I’m going to go against the usual blog entry like everyone else is doing for their last one of 2009. I’m actually going to give y’all more of an insight of who actually Angela is. I originally wrote this in depth article for an online magazine that I was staffed with in 2004. I guess in a way, I’m trying to be more courageous and share more things about myself.
[begin article]
As a woman who has undergone a few personal struggles, I would like to share mine with you. Many people are so quick to judge a woman when she decides to have an abortion or once word gets out that she did have one. Each and every woman has her own reason(s) to have this procedure done. However, many think that the woman was just irresponsible and used it as another form of birth control. This misconception is rarely the case. There are other explanations as to why a woman chose to terminate her pregnancy. Has the thought ever occurred to you that she might not have been healthy enough? Why sacrifice your own life life to bring one individual into this world when you can end that particular pregnancy and once your health improves, “mother” quite a bit more later on in life? I can hear it now…. but that is a SELFISH decision… you should have risked your very own life to let that possible child live. Ok, fuck that. What if both mother AND child had died right at childbirth?
There are other questions that one must ask oneself when faced with an unwanted pregnancy. Are you financially capable to support this child? You are going to have those doctor bills during the 9 months when that child is growing inside of you, cost of the room you will be staying in during and after the delivery of said child, cost to adequately feed, clothe, etc of child. Do you REALLY want to raise it with welfare money? Wouldn’t you feel more accomplished if you were able to support this child with YOUR money? Can you honestly say that you have reached a point in your life where you believe that you are mature enough to parent a child? Will you be the one instilling all the right wisdom into this child as he/she grows older? Or will you be handing the kid off to your parents, an aunt, an uncle, grandparents, great grandparents? Do you think that you will make an ideal role model for that child to look up to?
I had to ask myself all of those questions when I found myself pregnant not once but twice at the age of 21. My answer to all of them was “no.” I was lucky enough to have a boyfriend [now Husband] that stood strongly by me as I made these two important decisions. Contrary to what others may thing, we were using two forms of birth control. After my first abortion, I was given antibiotics to keep infection away while I healed. We abstained from having sex until my doctor gave us the go ahead. However the antibiotics weakened my birth control pills [doctor never warned me] and not even six months later I find myself pregnant once again. I was beside myself beyond belief over how this was even possible and the fact that I had to undergo the whole ordeal yet again. As you already know, I did not carry that pregnancy to full term either. I had asked myself the same questions from the first pregnancy and knew in my heart that I was still not ready to become a mother. After the second termination, I got really depressed. It took my boyfriend [now Husband] many months to help me to get over the last ordeal. I’m pretty sure during the last procedure that I started convulsing and I did hear the little vacuum they use to extract the unborn fetus from you. Even today, I am not ready to have a child due to health reasons. Maybe one day…
[end article]
Lessons learned: back then, i was a very fertile lady. Today: I haven’t been able to get knocked up for the past 4 years that my Husband and I have been trying. I wonder if perhaps having those 2 abortions… I fucked my body up. Or perhaps my thyroid is so screwed up that I cannot conceive yet. Or my Husband might be now sterile due to his previous job. Or maybe God just doesn’t want us to be parents. Who fucking knows? But yeah… its depressing that I can’t have at least 1 damn kid. I’m not even sure that I want 1 now. I mean Husband is in Army. He is going to be deployed a lot. Do I really want to be a married yet single parent? Also… I am enjoying the freedom I have now to go meet up with friends whenever. Am I ready to give all that up?I just don’t know…
Husband’s reply: If it happens, it does. If it doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world.
Ehhh… I am trying really hard to live by his view of it and I suppose I should.
Anyways…
HAPPY MOTHERFUCKING NEW YEARS, YA FUCKS 
